it is currently 2 AM on saturday. i have to be up in a few hours to go to breakfast with my fam. i have a lot running through my mind right now. and it is preventing me from sleeping. i figured i’d try and type it out on here.
first off, i went to Miami last we for UMF. it was probably the best weekend i have had in a while. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. the weather and the people there are so much different. it reminds me how much i hate this place. staying on the top floor of the downtown miami hilton was amazing. every morning there was free breakfast for the “executives” and a BIG comfy bed to sleep in with my own fucking space. the music was intense and the festival itself was just awesome. most definitely worth it. now my paychecks will be suffering. it was really nice bonding time with the boy, i would say. five consistent days with each other. i definitely cant complain about that.
returning back to long island is probably what put me in this mind set of… idk, i guess you can say depression, although i am not reeeeally depressed. just kinda, down. it may also have to do with this stupid ass weather we have going on. lots and lots of rain. but they say april showers bring may flowers. blahblahblahblah. i am sick of this rain and the cold. it limits you, well i guess i will speak for myself and say it limits me on what i can do. i haaaate being out in the cold. anyways, going back to work and school and getting back into that mind state is a little bit difficult. but more importantly, i realize more and more day by day how much i hate the way i live. i hate the fact that i have to share a bed with my soon to be 11 year old brother on a fold out bed from a couch from like the 1970s. probably the most uncomfortable thing in the entire world. the room is cluttered with my shit and the boys toys and just my grandparents shit. everything is old and out dated besides electronics. i have absolutely NO WHERE to keep my clothes, and my personal belongings. everything is just scattered everywhere. no type or form of organization. i do not think i have ever lost so much shit in my entire life. i just have absolutely no privacy. being almost 20, a girl needs her damn space and privacy. it is crazy how good we used to have it. its like i took it for granted. but then i have to ask myself, is it taking it for granted? having my own space with my room and my own bed? or is that just the way NORMAL people should be living? but what is NORMAL? my life sure as hell is not normal. i like to think it used to be before i fuck tard screwed it all up. what bothers me is that my grandparents havent really done much to help us adjust and make living here easier. i know we arent planning on being here for long, but like, cant you move/throw out SOMETHING to make SOME kind of room? half the shit you havent touched in god knows how fucking long. sigh. i feel like my whole life i have always been thinking to myself, when the hell is my life going to be a little more like everyone elses? i feel like the way ive lived has always given me something to be embarassed about. and what bothers me even MORE is my mom. she just fucking deals with too much fucking bullshit. it is like she isnt even a mom anymore. she has no control…. it makes me really fucking upset. like, DO SOMETHING WOMAN. WHERE IS YOUR MOTIVATION TO MAKE EVERYTHING THE BEST IT CAN BE FOR THE TWO BEAUTIFUL SONS YOU HAVE. you falling asleep everyday at like 8 PM and letting them just drown their brains on the computer/nintendo ds from the min they are done with their homework just fucking bothers me. but, then again you let me do whatever i wanted. but idk, things are just so different from how they used to be. they were so much better when we had the house in greenlawn. ever since then i feel like things went to shit with her. at least the boys are getting home cooked meals and not fucking frozen dinners every night or mac n cheese. to me its like how can you feed you children that everyday and not give a damn? dont you feel bad? dont you want to cook them delicious meals? or are you really that depressed because you married a stupid fuck that took everything from us? but then again, it isn’t all completely his fault, its yours too for not cutting the cord from the beginning, but i guess i cant be too harsh on you momma. our family lacks fucking happiness. the other thing i hate about long island is how expensive it is. but i mean, we are stuck here now. i want to move out of this fucking house. but how can one afford such a place? its so frustrating…. and it annoys me that some people just dont have to have any care in the world because they were just lucky and born into the right family. and they take that for granted. i am happy though to have my immediate family. i wouldnt trade them for the world. i just can’t handle the fact that we have nothing stable. no stability. it worries me a lot. i wonder how my brothers are going to turn out, i wonder where they will be living a couple years from now, along with myself. but i am getting to the point where i am moving on with my life and soon wont even be living at home assuming i find someone to live with and a place to live.
school is also on my mind. i am getting closer and closer to having to figure out what i am going to do with my life and where i am going to take myself. i really need to figure out where i am going to transfer. but the question is, do i stay on long island? do i go to vegas? do i go to cali? do i really want to be an accountant? is that what is going to make me happy? so many questions that i need to figure out the answers to.
friends seem to be an issue too now a days. i dont seem to have many on the island. well i mean i have friends but they are more of acquaintances. everyone is so fake and i feel like not a lot of people can just accept you for who you are. i feel like i lost a lot of friends this past year. idk if it is because of the choices i made, because i broke up with brian, because of what happened between the two of us, because i got another boyfriend? idk. i thought that some of these friends wouldnt have dipped on me. but i guess elwood people like their elwood friends. they seem to like to stay close to the people they have always been close with in elwood and not really let many people in. like the court, or brians friends which i thought were mine too at one point. i guess in some way i have always felt like an outcast and the only time i have ever felt like i belonged somewhere is las vegas. i guess that is why i am drawn to it. when i am there i dont have these feelings. i definitely try to broaden my horizon and make the best out of everything though. i seem to adapt easily but there are always these thoughts.
it just doesnt make sense to me how perfect everything can be and then so easily it just be taken away. i know i am not the only person that has felt this way or has gone through the same thing and i know that what i have gone through could be so much worse, but it’s like when do we get a fucking break? this is when i actually wish there was some kind of higher being. some higher being that could truly help. i just wish i could make this suffering, worry, frustration, everything that my family and i feel go away. but i guess all it really takes is time, each other, and just positiveness to make it better and to at least be happy that we have each other. i just wish some kind of luck would be passed along into our direction for once. give my momma a break because shes been through so much that i probably dont even know that half of it. and no woman should ever have to go through the shit she went through. shes a pretty strong woman, but she is definitely losing her strength. i can see it. no one should have to cry as often as she does or have to look back on everything and be so mad, upset, and frustrated. but at least shes got food for us to eat and roof over our heads, cant really ask for much more, only hope.
it is now almost 3 AM i think i am going to end this. i could go back and forth for hours. but i am done shedding tears. one day, if i can ever get around to it i want to write something, whether it be a book or a memoir or whatever, i want to write something and submit it somewhere and see where it goes. i believe that my life or my moms life could be a good read for a lot of people, i actually wonder if anyone will read this and what they will think of it. ha who knows. whatevs. i’m off to sleep.
i am currently listening to Billy Talent, a recent interest, and as i am sitting here listening i am looking back on everything that has happened in the past year and how things have turned out. i sort of laugh because a year ago things were so chaotic with friends and many relationships. everything was so shaky and unstable and a lot of hurt and suffering came out within the past year. i tried so hard so many times for so many people to just get hurt and now they are hurting. now they are turning to me and apologizing and seeing where they finally went wrong. this is not one person in particular, but multiple people. it makes me laugh because it just goes to karma. karma is tattooed on my left wrist with a start after it. to me, it is a reminder. it is in my vision everyday with a little start that says “hey, remember, what goes around comes around. so keep smiling.” kinda thing. it helps me remember that things may be bad for you at some point in your life because of someone or something that happened, but eventually your time will come and it will come back around in your favor. things really do happen for a reason, and the past year with all the pain and hurt that happened helped me learn and experience. i can now make the right decisions and i kind of know what to expect from people. they are all pretty predictable. i must say that may karma has come around. things are pretty stable for me at the moment. i am trying to figure out where i am going with school and figuring a way to get out of this house as well. i have my trio and good friends and my family to keep me going everyday, stable ones, unlike last year. i have found my comfort zone, finally.
<3 Happy Wednesday.
OH AND ULTRA IS IN LIKE 3 WEEKS!!! HELLO MIAMIIII HELLO TRIOOOO HELLO PRETTY LIGHTSSSS HELLO ULTRAAAAAA!!!!
it’s the third week of school and i feel like it hasn’t even started haha. i am not too much behind now since i used tonight as a catch up night.
i went to the olive garden for dinner tonight :) it was scrumptiousssss. although it would have been better if someone was sickly. but that’s okay, just hoping for health.
i went to pendulum on saturday with two friends. it was kind of an awkward situation. it is really funny how someone can be one way to your face and completely different when you are not around. example, act as if everything is all gravy, as if nothing had ever occurred and then the next day question it and go back to square one. whatever. i found out that a lot of people that i thought were pretty close to me talk shit. i guess everyone talks shit. it’s fucking annoying. grow up and stop being so god damn two faced and just speak your damn mind. who cares what others think of you, you are who you are, and if no one wants to accept that, then they aren’t worth your time obviously. that’s the lesson i learned over the summer. be yourself and if no one likes it, fuck em. :)
anywhooosss Pendulum was AWESOME. couldn’t of had a better time. it was all kind of just thrown together and it all worked out. rushing to the train station then to Columbus circle, to central park, to pizza, to the show, where we met quite the interesting people, but it was definitely the best day ever. ha. the next day was definitely rough, especially going to work alllll day, but i was like an hour and a half late. ha, go me.
i am mending a friendship right now, and it is pretty interesting and different to be on that level but it is also enjoyable. no fights or arguments just casual conversation because finally things are just accepted and moved on from. yea, there is a little bit of edge sometimes, but nothing is perfect.
hmmmm what else? i upgraded to a 0g. my ears are throbbing as i type haha. but that’s okay :)
i am in a pickle for the 18th. Nero is playing at webster hall in the city…. but eduardo’s birthday “bash” is on the same friggin day and idk which to do. it’s the kid’s birthday but it’s NERO. like comeeee onnn. blahhh. something to think about, definitely.
as always the thought of having my own place is always in mind. i have had the tv room to myself because my grandpa is in FL and my brother is sleeping in my grandmas room and my grandma is in my grandpa’s room and it’s like nice and relaxing. no one bothering me, just doin my thing in my own space. if only i could ish that would the best fucking ever. my momma should be outta here soon, maybe i can tag along and we will have a legit place and then i could just be free. but whoooo knows. mi padre is also taking forever to get here. apparently he is swamped at work. it doesn’t really make sense.
i got my raise at staples FINALLY <3 not like it was reallllllyyy a lot but hey it is better than nothing. now just waiting for my tax checkkk and my staples tuitionnnn anddddd possibly ask my grandma for my graduation money i never gottt maybe get money from other people that owe it to meeee and then i could be rollin in that dough son. i just wish it was enough to buy a house. hahah YEAAA RIIIIIIIGHT.
i really also just want to go on a vaca just get off the island for a bit, escape, relax, get drunk, you knowwww. hahaha.
damn, i have to finish my laundry…… i wish someone would just fold it for me. ha
well, everything couldn’t be anymore right right now. i have everything i could want and hope for and i am crossing my fingers it stays this way. i need to get myself to a couple doctors. i miss my damn contacts though. FUCK GLASSES i am tired of these shits. well i am off to bed i have an uber long day tomorrow starting at waking up at 7:30, class @ 9:30 to 10:45 then again at 12:30 to 1:45, then at 2 to 3:15 then straight to work until close. gahhhhhh. hopefully the day will end well <3 goodnight ch’all.